Introducing The Michele Bachmann Cyborg: The Bachmanntron-3000
Programmed to neutralize gays with extreme prejudice, the Bachmanntron was sent back in time from the year 3000 by the anti-gay resistance—the remains of an underground group on the run from people who aren’t ridiculous.
Modelled after the 21st Century’s most fearsome Republican Representative, and future leader of the Independent Nation-State of Texas, her mission is to eliminate the threat of equality and personal freedoms.
The Bachmanntron is outfitted with the latest in gay-identification technology: a specialized eyepiece powered by Grindr to locate gay men nearby, and a sensitive hearing device tuned to the sounds of folk music and Birkenstock-clad footsteps for lesbians. The headpiece also serves to disguise her crazy-eyes (the only visible sign that she is not human).
She is considered highly dangerous and a bit of an asshole. Approach with extreme caution.
(Photo via: @LukeRussert)
I turned 26 a couple of weeks ago and what is a birthday if not a time to sit back and reflect on your failings? Just yesterday I bought the Adulting audiobook based on the hilarious blog about acting like a real grown-up that I, disappointingly, am only finding out about now.
Typically I run around like a complete idiot with absolutely no idea what I’m doing, so it really spoke to me:
Not meant to be any kind of pathetic humblebrag it was immediately pointed out that my thin veneer of being a reasonable human being is working and I look much less like a mess than I sometimes feel.
So while I might give good adult-face, in moments of deep-seated insecurity and drunken whining—that I’m sure those I’m close to are tired of hearing about—I feel like I can’t quite get my shit together. But at the end of the day who really does? So while I have some things in the “adult” side of the checklist, the part featuring complete ridiculousness is far larger, and I take comfort that I’m not the only one for whom this is true.
- The Time I Showered Using Facial Wipes
Anyone who’s ever had passing contact with me knows that I am consistently running behind schedule. This is never more apparent than in the mornings which on the functional scale puts me somewhere around developmentally-challenged baby turtle.
Having to choose between showering and being 15 minutes late (later than the 15 I already am) is a difficult choice until my eyes landed on the package of facial wipes sitting on my bathroom counter. That’s when I realised I could shower in less than a minute by wiping myself down with a facial towlette. Besides being one of the many times I’ve done something vaguely homeless-acting, it was just the shame of knowing what I did. And it would not be the only time. Though it really is better than the French shower I’ve sometimes taken where a liberal dousing of cologne replaces hygiene.
- Living With the Worst Couch in the World
I live in perpetual fear of having guests over because thinking about where they will sit gives me an anxiety attack. When moving into my current apartment I bought two futon-style modern-looking couches that combine all the comfort of rocks with the sturdiness of balsa wood. When first assembled I sat down on one which immediately collapsed and the base did what I can only describe as “exploded”. Typically I would chalk this up to my inability to assemble furniture properly (see: the time I had to get extra bookshelf backing because I nailed two bookshelves’ worth together onto a single shelf), but after the store sent the Furniture Doctor—this is apparently a thing—they have since collapsed under the weight of one 5-foot, 90-pound girl and the feet shattered on one under which I have placed books.
The one that remains viable for people to sit on is now being propped up with boxes that rattle and careen back and forth whenever anyone sits on it. And out of a mixture of laziness and incompetence, I have decided this is the way things are now because one day I may wake up and they will have fixed themselves.
- My “Out of Sight, Out of Mind” Organizational Philosophy
As someone who openly admits that the floor is underutilized storage space and feels that piles are an undervalued structural solution, it’s not difficult to imagine the general disarray of my living space. It doesn’t help that I display borderline-hoarder behaviour and am reluctant to throw anything out. Ever. When I need to clean, my usual solution is not to find a place for everything, but that so long as people can’t see it there is no problem. So I turn to closets. My closets become a nightmare of haphazardly piled clothing, boxes and recyclable shopping bags full of what is essentially garbage, and if you should ever open the closet door you will probably die under a pile of crap. In fact, I have personally had things fly out and smack me in the head like the closet itself is chastising me.
I know I’m not exactly the model of life-failure that I sometimes claim to be, and I’m nowhere unique in figuring out this adult business in my 20s, but there is a long way to go and I still believe that entire pizzas qualify as nutritionally balanced meals.
The outfit I wore to the industrial/goth/punk DJ night because I do EVERYTHING right. #yyc
Spring is blossoming. It seriously may have been the longest winter ever, but spring is finally here. With spring comes a wonderful feeling of renewal. The trees rebud, the animals hump each other and every fashion designer releases a new colorful line. While the world around us is renewing, have you ever thought of renewing yourself? Sure, you’re fabulous, but why not be more so? Feeling a little lethargic, lacklustre and lonely? Ditch the winter blues by springing into summer with this renewal guide that will keep you looking good and maybe even meet a man before the first 100-degree day.
Take a good look at your ‘do. How’s it looking? A little shaggy, a little messy? Hair in the winter is fine. We get it, you need to keep your ears warm, but no excuses now. Being clean cut for summer is not only sexy, it will also be effortless for you. No need for excessive product or styling. Go for the sexy professional stylings of Harvey Specter or my favorite throwback Smith Jared . Harvey’s (Gabriel Macht) look will require a little product, but should be short enough that you can get out of the pool without a hot mess.
Get a manly mani and pedi. Your feet are undoubtedly calloused from a long winter and your cuticles are in desperate need of a clean up. Take to your nearest nail salon (ideally one where they serve champagne) and pamper yourself. You certainly don’t want your crusty toes hanging over your new spring sandals, do you?
Take a sniff. Is your cologne a little heavy? Maybe a little overdone or you’re just tired of it? Head to a department store and look for a new scent. Look for something light and fresh, yet still manly. Try Eros by Versace (a fusion that smells like power and sex) or Hugo Red by Hugo Boss (it’s a mix of rhubarb, grapefruit and cedar). Who needs Adam & Eve porn when you have sex in a bottle? You can always use a cologne shopping trip as a way to talk to cuties, too. If you see a guy lingering around the counter, ask him to tell you which one smells best.
How’s your beard looking? Are you rocking one? Is it a little long? Hockey season is almost over, Mustache March and Movember are long gone. Get your face into shape by giving yourself a full shave or a sexy, low cut beard that stays close to your face. Finish it all off with an exfoliating scrub and moisturizer with SPF. No one digs a chapped face.
Finally for hygiene, take a quick look at your skin. Is it a little pasty from your hibernation? No one want’s to be the palest guy by the pool or beach. Kick start your summer glow by getting a spray tan. You will not look fresh off Jersey Shore if you do it right. However, you will feel thinner and far more confident! If you choose to actually tan instead, make sure you use lots of sunscreen because melanoma is more like mela-hellno!-ma. Not sexy. Take care of yourself.
With spring comes smaller clothing and bathing suits. So it’s time to get a exercise regime going or to kick your pre-existing routine into high gear. Considering taking up some high intensity work outs like Crossfit, Krav Maga or TRX and mix them with restorative workouts like hot yoga. These are all not only really fun, butt-kicking classes, but they are also a great way to meet someone new. There’s nothing like watching muscled-out men sweat.
Is there anything greater than going spring shopping? I think not. The best thing about spring and summer is you can be effortlessly sexy. There is no need for multiple layers, jackets, scarves and great driving gloves. Instead, you can rock shorts and T. This year’s go-to shorts look is a little more fitted, but also a little longer than last year’s. Have some fun and get some colorful ones. Pair these sexy trunks with a deep V t-shirt and some Wayfarers or Aviators. Think Ryan Gosling. Need it a little more professional? Opt for dark, preppy khaki shorts mixed with a well-fitted linen or cotton bottom down. The simplicity is overwhelmingly hot.
Put it all together! Take this extra-amazing version of yourself and celebrate the beginning of patio season with a cocktail on your favorite restaurant’s patio. It shouldn’t take long for the next summer fling to approach you. Bonus points for bringing your dog.
Cameron Riley is a fashion, relationship and lifestyle blogger. He currently lives in Washington DC.
[As someone who wakes up every morning, looks in the mirror and screams, “Good god girl get a grip!” it’s probably a good idea I take some of this advice to look less like an unbelievable mess.
I’m always happy to have guest bloggers visit, and if you’re interested drop me a line!]
Symbols unite groups under the banner of a shared identity: Americans have the stars and stripes; Canadians have the maple leaf; sad, lonely people have the Ben & Jerry’s logo; and the Illuminati has Jay-Z.
The newest stop on the Matt Barber crazy train to bigotryville at long last gives us a symbol for everyone frustrated by the lack of recognition for the superiority of their heterosexuality:
No longer content to hide behind “protecting marriage”, as Jeremy Hooper points out we finally have admission that they believe themselves inherently better than non-heterosexuals, and gay marriage would threaten their attempts to enshrine that superiority in law.
But I think they can do better. We finally have a symbol for the long-suffering heterosexual frustrated at a world that doesn’t recognize that they are better than others by virtue of the gender they desired to marry.
The angry face made from the greater-than sign represents their righteous indignation at being denied affirmation of their betterness—they’re so great they don’t even need real words.
I expect Facebook and Twitter to explode in a sea of angry red faces glaring at the audacity of the equals sign supporters and their ridiculous notions of being equals.